Tommy goes to confession
"These are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others" - Groucho Marx
(1)
Tommy goes to confession and tells the priest, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman".
"Is that you, Tommy?" says the priest.
"Er, um, yes, it is, Father"
"Who is it you were with, Tommy?"
"I'd rather not say, Father"
"Was it Bridget?
"No, Father"
"Was it Colleen?"
"No, Father"
"Was it Megan?"
"No, Father"
"Well, Tommy, say four Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."
When Tommy gets outside, his friend Pat asks him how it went.
"Great," says Tommy. "I got four Our Fathers, four Hail Marys, and three great leads!"
(2)
A New York boy is being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin.
"Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?" asks the city boy.
His cousin replies, "Depends on how fast you carry the flashlight".
(3)
A man goes into the confession booth and tells the priest, "Father, I'm seventy-five years old and last night I made love to two twenty-year-old girls - at the same time"
The priest says, "When did you last go to confession?"
The man says, "I've never been to confession, Father, I'm Jewish"
The priest says, "Then why are you telling me?"
The man says, "I'm telling you, I'm telling everybody".
(4)
Three engineers are discussing design.
The first says, "God must be a mechanical engineer. Look at all the joints"
The second says, "I think God must be an electrical engineer. The nervous system has thousands of electrical connections."
The third says, "Actually, God is a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
(5)
Abe and his friend Sol are out for a walk. They pass a church with a sign that reads, "$1,000 to Anyone Who Converts"
Sol decides to go inside and see what it's all about.
Abe waits outside. Hours go by. Finally, Sol emerges.
"So?" says Abe. "What happened?"
"I converted," says Sol.
"No kidding"" says Abe. "So did you get the thousand bucks?"
Sol says, "Is that all you people think about?"
"Great," says Tommy. "I got four Our Fathers, four Hail Marys, and three great leads!"
(2)
A New York boy is being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin.
"Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?" asks the city boy.
His cousin replies, "Depends on how fast you carry the flashlight".
(3)
A man goes into the confession booth and tells the priest, "Father, I'm seventy-five years old and last night I made love to two twenty-year-old girls - at the same time"
The priest says, "When did you last go to confession?"
The man says, "I've never been to confession, Father, I'm Jewish"
The priest says, "Then why are you telling me?"
The man says, "I'm telling you, I'm telling everybody".
(4)
Three engineers are discussing design.
The first says, "God must be a mechanical engineer. Look at all the joints"
The second says, "I think God must be an electrical engineer. The nervous system has thousands of electrical connections."
The third says, "Actually, God is a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
(5)
Abe and his friend Sol are out for a walk. They pass a church with a sign that reads, "$1,000 to Anyone Who Converts"
Sol decides to go inside and see what it's all about.
Abe waits outside. Hours go by. Finally, Sol emerges.
"So?" says Abe. "What happened?"
"I converted," says Sol.
"No kidding"" says Abe. "So did you get the thousand bucks?"
Sol says, "Is that all you people think about?"
b
b
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