Some jokes shared in The Independent
Bob Geldof, pop star
Paddy goes for a job on a building site, and the foreman asks: "What's the difference between a joist and a girder?" "That one's easy," says Paddy: "Joyce wrote Ulysses and Goethe wrote Faust."
What power did they have in the Congo before candles? Electricity.
Angus Fraser, cricket writer
There's an Irish contestant on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? He doesn't know the answer. Chris Tarrant says: "Don't forget you've got 50/50, ask the audience and phone a friend." The Irishman says: "I'll phone a friend, please Chris." He gets on the phone and says: "Hi Seamus, I just want to ask you, do you think I should do 50/50 or ask the audience?"
Greg Dyke, broadcaster
Neil Armstrong lands on the Moon and says the words: "Over to you, Gretsky."
Everyone's confused and asks him what does he mean but he refuses to reveal it.
However, he's at a 20-year reunion for the Moon landing and he's asked once again: "Why did you say, 'Over to you, Gretsky'?"
"Well," he says, "when I was younger I used to live beside an old couple called the Gretskys. They always argued, and his wife said to him: "The only time you'll get oral sex is when man walks on the Moon."
David Aaronovitch, journalist
Two middle aged Jewish ladies walking down the street. One says: "You know, I'm having an affair. "
And the other responds: "Really? Who's doing the catering?"
Sir James Galway, musician
The Pope comes in one day and says to his cardinals: "It seems the Jews have challenged us to golf." The cardinals protest that they're no good at golf, and say: "Why don't we ask Jack Nicklaus to become an honorary cardinal, then he can play for the Vatican?" So Jack Nicklaus goes out and plays the game, and comes back with his head in his hands. "What's wrong?" the Pope asked. "Well, it was OK at the start," said Nicklaus. "But did you ever hear of Rabbi Tiger Woods?"
Deborah Ross, journalist
A mother buys her son two ties for his birthday. Next time she sees him he's wearing one of them, so she says to him "What, didn't you like the other one?"
Paddy goes for a job on a building site, and the foreman asks: "What's the difference between a joist and a girder?" "That one's easy," says Paddy: "Joyce wrote Ulysses and Goethe wrote Faust."
What power did they have in the Congo before candles? Electricity.
Angus Fraser, cricket writer
There's an Irish contestant on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? He doesn't know the answer. Chris Tarrant says: "Don't forget you've got 50/50, ask the audience and phone a friend." The Irishman says: "I'll phone a friend, please Chris." He gets on the phone and says: "Hi Seamus, I just want to ask you, do you think I should do 50/50 or ask the audience?"
Greg Dyke, broadcaster
Neil Armstrong lands on the Moon and says the words: "Over to you, Gretsky."
Everyone's confused and asks him what does he mean but he refuses to reveal it.
However, he's at a 20-year reunion for the Moon landing and he's asked once again: "Why did you say, 'Over to you, Gretsky'?"
"Well," he says, "when I was younger I used to live beside an old couple called the Gretskys. They always argued, and his wife said to him: "The only time you'll get oral sex is when man walks on the Moon."
David Aaronovitch, journalist
Two middle aged Jewish ladies walking down the street. One says: "You know, I'm having an affair. "
And the other responds: "Really? Who's doing the catering?"
Sir James Galway, musician
The Pope comes in one day and says to his cardinals: "It seems the Jews have challenged us to golf." The cardinals protest that they're no good at golf, and say: "Why don't we ask Jack Nicklaus to become an honorary cardinal, then he can play for the Vatican?" So Jack Nicklaus goes out and plays the game, and comes back with his head in his hands. "What's wrong?" the Pope asked. "Well, it was OK at the start," said Nicklaus. "But did you ever hear of Rabbi Tiger Woods?"
Deborah Ross, journalist
A mother buys her son two ties for his birthday. Next time she sees him he's wearing one of them, so she says to him "What, didn't you like the other one?"
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Stephen Fry, author
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Definition of countryside: The murder of Piers Morgan.
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